Imagine walking into an unfamiliar office and sitting in a strange room for the first time. As you look around, you notice a box of tissues, a license hanging on the wall, some innocuous art and a shelf of books. You are probably sitting in a comfortable chair or on a couch, and you might get a sense of being in a living room, but you know it's an office.
This stranger introduces him/herself to you, and you begin talking-sharing the most intimate thoughts and feelings in your head. You talk in a way that feels out of the ordinary and awkward, yet comforting and safe. Then, when the time is over, you hand money to this person and schedule a time to do this all again. And hopefully, by talking to this stranger, you feel better than when you walked in the door.
This ritual happens every hour, every day, all over the world when a client comes to their first appointment with a psychotherapist. It is a process which demands blind trust, an implicit reliance that this stranger has your best interests at heart, along with the professional education and specialized training to help you begin your emotional healing.
Even after over 20 years of working as a private practice psychotherapist, I am still in awe when a new client walks into my office. I feel privileged and honored to be handed their trust, to watch their process unfold as they share joys, pains, secrets. Sometimes the process flows easily and a synchronicity exists; other times it starts slowly and moves into a beautiful alliance. And occasionally it just isn't a good fit.
What can you do to maximize the selection process in this day and age, as you go about looking for a therapist? What measures might you take as you begin looking for a clinician? Where do you look? As an LGBT person, are there additional considerations to factor in? And how do insurance and managed care affect your selection process?
The most important thing to remember is you are a consumer and you are buying a service. You are in charge. Be proactive.
Don't know where to look? Start with your friends and colleagues. Because therapy is such a personal event, if they've had a positive experience, they'll probably be happy to give you a referral. They may also give you names to avoid. Remember that what works for one person may not work for another. Look in the local LGBT media; call local LGBT support services. Go online and look for professionals who utilize the web. This is probably the most efficient way of gaining valuable information about potential clinicians. Today, half of my referrals come from my website.
When making the initial call for an appointment, ask questions. Find out about the therapist's experience and credentialing. Are they licensed? Do they have a governing board by which there is accountability for their service? What are their fees, their hours? Are they comfortable working with LGBT clients? What kind of practical experience do they have working with LGBT people? Do they have any personal value conflicts regarding LGBT issues that could keep you from receiving the best treatment possible? As a therapist, it is my ethical and legal obligation to refer clients whom I am not equipped to counsel or with whom I have a conflict of interest. By asking these questions upfront, you can weed out clinicians who are not appropriate.
If you want a self-identified LGBT practitioner, don't be afraid to ask. The clinician may decline to give you an answer-and that is their right. It is also your right as a consumer to keep looking. There are many allied professionals who offer a very positive and beneficial therapeutic experience, but if you want to work with an LGBT therapist, you can make it happen.
During the initial phone conversation, notice how it feels to talk with your potential therapist. If someone else does their scheduling, ask to speak directly with the clinician. Can you sense a rapport? Is she/he taking the time to answer your questions? Do you feel comfortable talking to her/him? Does he/she seem to feel comfortable talking to you?
Regardless of style or therapeutic orientation, I believe a primary factor for a successful experience in therapy is safety. When you feel safe you dig deeper; you go further inside and will work more collaboratively with your clinician. Pay attention to this.
Continue to notice these things during your initial appointment. Ask yourself, does the environment feel comfortable? Is your confidentiality being respected? If you don't want to immediately schedule another, that is OK. Remember, you are the consumer; you are buying a service. If you need to go home and contemplate, trust your gut and do so. You don't have to purchase a car simply because you take it out for a test drive. It is also OK to test out a few therapists before moving forward.
If you are going through your insurance company, ask them the same questions. You may be given a list of providers who are covered by your insurance company. Ask your insuror if they have clinicians who self-identify as LGBT and if there are any who list working with LGBT people as an area of specialization. If you can't find what you're looking for within your insurance company, you may consider looking at your out-of-network coverage. Don't be afraid to call a clinician who's not covered by your insurance company-they may be able to provide some direction or help you in finding a provider within your insuror. You may also decide the value of the relationship is more important than the insurance savings. Some practitioners will charge a lower fee for clients paying out of pocket. Don't be afraid to ask.
Finding the right therapist is a critical step to your emotional healing. Empower yourself by making a selection that reflects what you want and need. Do your homework; take your time. When you do find it, you will be able to experience the trust, truth, vulnerability and authenticity that happen between client and therapist.
Choosing Love
by Jimmy G. Owen, M.S., L.P.C.
Jimmy Owen reflects on the coming out, coming together journey that he and his parents have traveled.
Last October, my parents came to visit Madison for the first time. They stayed with my partner Jim and me for almost a week and treated our relationship with care, respect, and love. To some LGBT couples, this may sound innocuous and normal. For others, it sounds impossible. For my family and me it has been an ongoing process—a journey full of silence, anger, tears, grace, and ultimately, acceptance. The story of my family’s coming out is a reminder to me that love and recognition can sometimes be a long, arduous journey. It required everyone involved to challenge their core beliefs and dig beyond religious thinking to find a spiritual foundation of love.
In the fall of 1988, I told my parents I was gay. I didn’t think it was that big a surprise. I mean, I was living with a “roommate,” working in a gay and lesbian counseling center, and attending a church very different from the one in which I was raised. I was certain my parents knew.
At my college graduation I remember Mom saying to friends and family, “You know that Jimmy, he marches to the beat of a different drum,” and I hung on her every word looking for the courage to tell them. Evidently, the drum she was referring to was heterosexual, because when I did come out to them it was not music to their ears.
We spent the next four years in silence. I was dead to them—no phone calls, visits, nothing. Holidays and special events were painful, but I learned what the term “family of choice” meant and began filling my world with friends in similar situations looking to have peaceful and meaningful times together.
After four years of silence, I asked them if we could sit down to talk it out. It was the beginning of our reconciliation. Although our meeting was difficult and tense, we all shared the desire to find a way to put this back together. We had many uncomfortable moments over the next several years but were committed to figuring out what the relationship was going to look like and how we would choose to love.
My biggest challenge was finding a balance between understanding that Mom and Dad had a right to their belief system while continuing to hold on to my own. When I realized that in telling them they were “wrong” for believing as they did, I was doing to them exactly what they were doing to me. Choosing “right” over “happy” wasn’t working. We eventually moved to a place of not trying to convince each other of our “rightness” and simply chose to love.
A turning point in the relationship took place when they attended a HRC function with me in Dallas about 12 years ago. After four years of inviting, they finally agreed to join me. This would be the most important acknowledgement of acceptance and love I had received from my family (my mom, dad, aunt, and sister and brother-in-law were all in attendance) and the first time they would be introduced to my world on such a grand scale. I hoped through the event they would see our sameness, rather than difference. Although it was hard for Mom and Dad, I learned later they came because they knew how important it was for me.
As I showed my family to the table, I beamed with pride and tears of joy. My dad showed a bit of fear when he asked for directions to the restroom. I walked him to the door and he said with a sheepish smile, “Is it safe in there?” The only thing I could think to say was, “Yeah, but I’ll stand guard for you just in case.” In that moment, any tension shattered and I realized how brave he was being. It also made me realize what a big step he was taking in showing love for his son. We laughed, and I saw his humanness. My parents saw my community as normal. It was demystified and no longer a threat. I saw my parents not as mean, narrow-minded ogres, but as scared and willing to step into the unknown for the love of their child.
So much has happened since then. I have fathered a child, married, and become an educator and activist. My parents continue to hold on to their faith, which contradicts who I am, but we have been able to reconcile our relationship. I don’t try to change them anymore, nor do I have a right to do so. We simply choose love.
My advice to anyone struggling on this journey is to be patient. It took me years to accept my sexuality. It took my parents years as well. I had to respect their pace while staying true to me. Be persistent. Not pushy, but persistent. Gently continue to invite them into your world. Keep your internalized homophobia in check. When my mother began asking about my dating world, I was so used to this being a taboo topic; I had to challenge my thinking, to recognize that she was ready and to let her in.
As I reflect, it all seems so far away now—today is very ordinary and as comfortable as I dreamed it would be. The process evolved over two decades and we’ve all benefitted. A week after my parents’ visit, my mother was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. I don’t know how long she will be alive, which makes me very sad. At the same time, I am so proud of our journey. It is honest. It is authentic. It is love. Thank you, Mom and Dad. Thank you for redefining what family looks like—and embracing the love in our lives.
Relationship Roadblocks
by Jimmy G. Owen, M.S., L.P.C.
Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Jimmy Owen sifts through some potenital barriers that might be holding back your happiness.
As a psychotherapist, love is undoubtedly the most talked about, desired, obsessed over, and misunderstood topic I hear about on a daily basis. "How do I find it?" "Where is it?" "What can I do to prepare for it?" "How will I know it's real?" "What are my roadblocks?" All these questions and more assure me love is a much sought after and precious commodity.
It makes me wonder, why does our community have such a difficult time finding, keeping and trusting when it comes to love? If we look at it from a strictly numbers standpoint, the difficulty in "the finding" is obvious. Most research indicates that LGBT communities are about 10% of the general population. That means we have a much smaller pool to choose from. Not only that, but not everyone in our pool is out and ready to be coupled. Many are completely happy to surround themselves with a support system to meet many of their companionship needs. But don't let that discourage you. We also have one of the strongest support and referral communities of any subculture - so take advantage of the loyal LGBT support systems.
I also believe there is a societal norm which says we aren't "whole" unless we are coupled, so for some, there is pressure to find a mate when it may not be what your intuition tells you. If you feel ambivalence about being coupled, look at it and see where it is coming from before you involve another person. Maybe the love you have within your social and family system is enough to sustain you.
Another issue with love is the lack of healthy coupled LGBT role models. One of the things I love about our community is its diversity. This is especially evident in creating loving relationships. We have the freedom to create our map of what "love" looks like. But remember, with that freedom comes responsibility. Freedom without responsibility is chaos and a recipe for disaster. Be clear about your vision of love before you go blindly stumbling about for it.
Does Sex Get in the Way of Finding Love?
If you are having a difficult time finding the love you imagine, ask yourself these questions about your attitudes toward sex and see if they may be what's getting you stuck.
- How much time do you spend thinking about sex, doing it, talking about it, looking for it? Are you attending to the doings of your everyday life, or is sex getting in your way?
- Do you constantly look at the world through "sexual lenses" - sizing up everyone you see as a potential "yes" or "no?" Are you constantly on the prowl looking for your next conquest? Most people who identify as sexual addicts will tell you it is "the chase" that is the high, not the sex.
- Are you breaking the value you have in place regarding sex? We all have a value system (either consciously or unconsciously) in place for acceptable behavior, even regarding sex. For most, it was taught to us as children by our parents, church and society. When we become adults, one of the many things we have to do is consciously create a value system that belongs to us.
Some people are simply afraid that they can't "do it perfectly," so they throw the entire concept of coupling out the window. They would rather be lonely than make a mistake. I see this especially regarding the concept of monogamy. The reality is we don't know what tomorr
ow brings for ourselves or anyone else. Monogamy is a value; not a right or a wrong. The "right or wrong" concept comes in when we say one thing and do another. The advice I have for couples who choose monogamy is this... it is your aim, your goal. You can only guarantee and keep sight of the now - today. Live each day to reflect that value. If you happen to lose sight of your aim, you can get back on course. Make sure you both are clear and honest and stay focused on your commitment to the value.
Then there is the whole "sex is love and love is sex" message... which is another ball of wax. Many of my clients talk about using sex as a way to get their emotional needs met, but in the end, they leave unfulfilled. Unfortunately, using sex as a way to feel loved and needed can be like quicksand - soft and warm as you step in, but in the end, you can drown. Learning to separate love and sex, and learning how to put the two together to create a loving relationship may be something to look at if you continue to wake up with sand in your bed.
As a subculture, we are the only children that, by and large, don't have parents that are like us (gay). Because of this, unless we have some healthy gay role models, we figure out what works for us on our own. A value system about sex can be fluid, depending on whether you are single, dating or coupled. It is something that belongs to you and you alone.
If you think you need some help sorting through these questions, plenty of resources are available. There are support groups for sexual compulsivity/addiction and numerous books on the topic directed specifically to LGBT communities.
Love is everywhere we turn. It's in our music, reading, movies... and in our hearts. Whether you are looking for love, struggling with love, deeply in love or getting in your way of finding love, my hope for you is to find a way to look inward to see the love that you already are. When you start on the inside and work your way outward, your chances of success (as you define it) magnify.
